Paul Tripp and Timothy Lane tackle the confusing and and complicated topic of relationships. Though many people pick up this book primarily out of a desire to understand and cultivate romantic relationships, that is not what this book is all about; although the book includes romantic relationships. This book is intended to reach all people in all relationships: family, husband-wife, brother-sister, mother-daughter, father-son, friend-friend, coworkers, employer-employee, and any other relationship that is possible.
This book is written by authors who hold a biblical worldview, so their approach to relationships is radically different than the picture of relationships painted by pop-culture. Pop-culture says that relationships are all about you, and that if a relationships doesn’t meet your felt needs, then it is a bad relationship. Tripp and Lane take a different approach. The premise of the book is that relationships are all about sanctification—learning to operate in those relationships like Jesus would. Because of man’s sin nature, relationships aren’t going to be easy, in fact, they are going to be messy. But Tripp and Lane maintain that relationships are a mess worth making.
The authors begin by asking the question, “Why bother?” This question comes to the mind of many people who have been hurt in relationships with parents, friends, girl/boyfriend, or spouse. They make the point that many people become discouraged in relationships because they have a wrong focus and wrong expectations in the relationships. Often, pride creeps in to make one believe that the relationship is meant to deliver on the day dreams and romanticized ideals that often come to mind when thinking about relationships. However, those dreams are often left unmet, leaving hurt and pain in the heart of the dreamer. Tripp and Lane maintain that each time hurt is felt in a relationship, that hurting person has an opportunity to remember mankind’s need for God.
Tripp and Lane continue to lay out eight ideas about relationships from a biblical worldview: 1) “You were made for relationships.” 2) “In some way, all relationships are difficult.” 3) “Each of us is tempted to make relationships the end rather than the means.” 4) “There are no secrets that guarantee problem-free relationships.” 5) “At some point you will wonder whether relationships are worth it.” 6) “God keeps us in messy relationships for his redemptive purposes.” 7) “The fact that our relationships work as well as they do is a sure sign of grace.” 8) “Scripture offers clear hope for our relationships.” These principles help the reader to view relationships through a biblical lens.
Because many people operate without a biblical view of relationships, their relationships are regulated by hurt and pain from past relationships, making either isolating oneself from or immersing oneself in relationships as extremes of either hiding or covering up hurt from past relationships. The authors call readers to understand that man is sinful, so hurt is unavoidable, but with Scripture, one can deal with hurt in a constructive, sanctifying way. The authors posit that “the Bible assumes that this side of eternity will be messy and require a lot of work” when it comes to relationships. And it is that messiness and work that Tripp and Lane prepare the reader to encounter and overcome.
The authors call the reader to understand that God’s agenda is often different from man’s agenda, meaning that God has purpose in difficult relationships, of which man might not be aware. This understanding means that man must trust God’s knowledge and goodness during difficult times in relationships, and apply the Gospel to thinking and actions. The authors maintain that the Gospel cannot be separated from relationships. The Gospel allows Christians to forgive, show mercy, and to love those who offend, treat unjustly, and neglect to love.
One of the most important reminders given to the reader is that humans are not the Holy Spirit. Often, one tries to act as the Holy Spirit in another person’s life, trying to get that person to change spiritually, when in reality, only the Holy Spirit can bring about change in that person’s life. Because man is not the Spirit, man has to trust God to be working in other people’s lives. Many times when a person is trying to act as the Holy Spirit in trying to force someone to change, that person is really exercising desires to control and manipulate, disguising those desires as trying to help someone change spiritually. The authors warn of manipulating and trying to force change to meet one’s own agenda, rather than acting with the other person’s best interest in mind.
The author’s posit that one causation of problems in relationships is an identity crisis. Many times a person will try to find his or her identity in another person. When this crisis happens, there is inevitably conflict, because when the one seeking identity does not find that identity, that individual only feels hurt and rejection. Instead of finding identity in other people, believers ought to be finding their identity in the person of Christ. When one understands that he or she is accepted and loved by God because of Jesus Christ, that person is free to love others, free to be mistreated at times, and free to forgive.
I personally found this book to be quite helpful. I have read this book multiple times in my college years, and have found it beneficial in re-aligning my focus on the purpose of relationships and in educating me on how I can glorify God in my personal relationships. This book can prove to be helpful to people from all backgrounds in application to all relationships. I personally have been helped by this book in my relationship with my parents, with my sister, with my girlfriend, and with my friends.
Perhaps the most helpful reminder in the book is that “our worship and theology will always be on display in the way that we treat others.” This reminds me that I need to be cultivating and applying theology drawn from Scripture so that I know what I believe about God so that I can strive to emulate those things.
Tripp and Lane communicate excellently in Relationships: A Mess Worth Making, and book that is definitely worth reading.
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